I came across some picture of 20 y/o me yesterday and instead of having a flashback to a great time in my life, I just wanted to talk to that girl. She was in an awful situation and had no idea because it was better (in a sense) than the relationship with her sons father, which was, at this time, her first and last major relationship—they even married. Ugghh! I could shake her!!

Let’s just put it out here. Almost 36 y/o me talking to 20 y/o me. Here we go…

Girlll, wtf are you doing? That’s not anxiety you’re feeling, that’s your gut saying gtfo! No, he’s not doing anything other than playing house with you and he’s a raging sex addict, how are you not seeing this? You walk on eggshells, had no say in he house he bought “for you” or decorating it, you stay paranoid about what he’s doing up on the computer so late. You’re not comfortable here, what the hell.

Honey, you’re still soo damaged from your son’s father. Honestly, you don’t even need to be in this relationship, you know it too, you need to just heal from what you’ve been through and not just incur further damage. The first guy was a lot and it made you doubt your own ability to make decisions so now this relationship is running all over you and you allow it because you actually believe you’re not smart or capable enough to make decisions anymore.

That physical side that comes out when he drinks, how he speaks to you like you’re a complete idiot, how he objectifies you. 🚩🚩

I get it though. You were willing to put yourself through Hell to make sure your son had a safe and comfortable place to lay his head at night and a family, and you’d just take the bs. Unhealthy, but I get it, you’ve done it before. You just really weren’t healthy enough yet to do all that. (In 16 years you’re doing to be diving into trauma therapy for all you’ve been through, so the pain won’t have to be there forever.) Also, it doesn’t make you a bad mom that you have to stay with your mom. Waiting tables doesn’t cover even a 1br apartment around here so we do what we have to do. But, you HAVE to quit running into the arms of men who don’t wait the whole family shebang.

Also, let’s quit hating yourself and your body and thinking that you have to fit in everywhere you are. Sometimes you’re just not going to be someone’s cup of tea and that is a-okay. Be you, you’re kinda cool. I remember you looking at those pics after they were taken and thinking “no one will ever see these. I’m disgusting”. Oh honey, please. You’ll never see this body again because in 4 years you’ll have a hysterectomy and go into menopause annddd the psych meds you’re gonna be on after this relationship won’t help either. Sorry.

Learn how to love you and find yourself and what you truly love. Give yourself grace and be okay with the fact that you’re just not quite like the others.

This won’t last. As soon as Mom asks, “well what would you say if he asked you to marry him” and that’s a major NO, you’ll leave after work that day. You later find out he was planning on ring shopping that weekend. If that ain’t God, I don’t know what.

Years later you’ll piece together that he cheated. You know of one but even if there’s more it doesn’t matter anymore because you, for once, are in a healthy and loving relationship. He does the things that a man that loves you does, not all that crap you dealt with.

But, this is part of your journey and you survived it! (With more PTSD but you made it!).

Wait for this guy. He’ll completely catch you off guard and you won’t be in the mood for a man but just trust me and go with it. He’s going to actually show you the love you deserve.