Journal entry I thought I’d share…

(I have several mental health diagnoses and have applied for disability-reluctantly)

I worked so many jobs and wasn’t able to do them.
Everything from waiting tables to IT Office Manager and I could keep any steady work.
I was miserable.
I eventually found myself in panic attacks and uncontrollable crying fits on my way in and feelings of doom when I arrived.
It didn’t work.

My wonderful fiancé has been able to support us on one income for a while now and I’ve had the ability to stay home.
A lot of it was for mental health reasons and to lower my stress level.
Eventually all of the chores and housework piled up and I landed in a full blown depression for 2 years where I couldn’t take care of the house or even myself.

These days I’m feeling better but I still feel miserable and alone at home but anxious, overwhelmed, and overstimulated when I fill in at the shop here and there.
What am I meant for? To be social or not social?

And now Nick is in a place where he needs me bringing in some money.
Do I take a shitty customer service work from home job or do I go back to the shop for next to no money?

So sometimes I get sad.
Sad about loneliness.
Sad about being broke.
Sad that I feel like I can’t hold a job.
Like honestly, I wanna work where Kevin’s wife works, on Lake Tillery, at a bar/restaurant where boats tie up and stuff but idk if that’s good for my recovery.
I just feel like I’d love the atmosphere and the money more than Eury’s.

What is one to do?
Is Nick being protective or controlling by wanting me at Eurys?
At least we’d be on the same schedule but making some friends would be good for me.
But would I drink after work?
I just don’t know.
Life’s hard.